Lynn
I was 27 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I started FEELING ABDOMINAL DISCOMFORT IN THE MIDDLE OF A TYPICAL BUSY WORK DAY. It was concerning but seemed manageable to me.
as I continued to work on emails and attend meetings, the 'discomfort' continued BUT I pushed my questions aside.
By the end of the day, I would end up in the emergency room with the confirmation that I was in pre-term labor. The tightness I had felt during the day were contractions and the baby was trying to come 12 weeks early. For me, the person that always did things according to plan and found a way to power through when the plan went left - this was new territory. The thought of delivering a baby at 27 weeks put fear in me that I had never experienced before - it was crippling.
The contractions did slow down, but only with the help of medication. I remember thinking I was in the clear until a nurse came into my hospital room with a medical device. As the nurse connected the device to me, she explained that it would provide the medication I needed to minimize contractions. It would be intravenously connected to me 24 hrs a day, until the baby came, hopefully in another 10 weeks.
I looked at her in shock and asked, "How will I wear this bag to work?"
She looked at me and said:
"You're not going back to work.
You need 24/7 bed rest until your baby comes."
Being one of the few people of color, as well as one of the few women at my level, made the thought of stopping feel like a luxury I could not afford. I did not want people to question my work ethic or how I had reached the level that I had within the organization. Even though my mind was questioning and worried about the discomfort, I felt compelled to finish my day.
Lynn
As I lay in bed, day after day, I felt like I was losing my mind. My anxiety was so bad that my heart would race, I hardly ate and cried day and night. I was consumed by fear, worry and feelings of inadequacy.
When the nurse shared that I would be confined to bed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I truly could not process how I would work attached to intravenous medication. Not working, or even slowing down, did not seem like an option. As one of the few women of color in my department, I did not feel I had those luxuries. I was devastated and felt like a failure.
Lynn
What I have learned, after working with women and BIPOC populations over many years, is that while the details may not be exactly the same, there is a consistent theme of struggling with overwhelm, isolation and fear that can get many, including myself, to this point.
Struggles that are carried every day even as we smile and perform at work and home.
These are the same struggles that are crippling the healthy, happy and whole version of ourselves. The best side of ourselves that is not just surviving - but is truly thriving.
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